i’ve been busy at work. more days, more money but always tired and 15 minutes late to everything else.

i’ve also come to some revelations about my personal relationships and i’ve made long term goals for my future..and some short turn ones. plans that make sense and plans that for once in my life, i don’t cringe at and actually look forward to.

i want to share this karl lagerfeld quote because i love him, and because it’s NYC fashion week: “fashion is, like cinema, a business of injustice. it’s not because you want to work in fashion that it will work out. you succeed for other mysterious reasons. it’s not about fairness, it’s just a horrible fact of life. my business plan has always been about working more than the others to prove their uselessness.”

that’s it for now. eat, love, smile

women are great tippers if you make them feel great. compliment their hair, their outfit, buy them a round of shots, etc.. women are more likely to compensate your friendliness with the generosity of money. this technique works not only for me but for my male co-workers. to go one (politically incorrect) step further, if you are a male bartender and you make a kinda chubby chick feel good…they will TIP the living bejesus out of you.

men. suck. men want the world from you. they want you to think they’re funny, they want fast service, they want you to flirt with them, they want you to pretend you don’t see their receding hairline/acne/short stature/fat belly. and they don’t ever get the hint. you get a drink from a chick bartender, it’s cause they’re being nice. that’s it. sorry. we don’t want to do you, we don’t need dinner. it’s a free drink. it costs us nothing. and most likely, we’re buying you the drink so we don’t have to keep talking to you during the monetary transaction.

this is the venting session. my title is “bartender.” i serve you alcoholic beverages. sure, if you’re a complete alcoholic and i see you four days a week, we might be on a first name basis, but i am not your friend. i don’t give a FUCK about your problems and i sure as hell am not going out with you (quite frankly if you’re at a bar enough for me to know your name, you’re a looooser.) now, there are occasions in which i meet people i give a general shit about, in which case, i’ll ask THEM about their problems, i don’t need you to voluntarily regurgitate your entire life story while holding on to my hand and keeping me hostage. (we call these people hand molesters. they hold out their hand like they’re giving you a high-five or a handshake and when you extend your paw, they grip onto it, caress it in a creepy manner  and refuse to let go.)

now, lessons learned? i’m a smart ass. i’ll pop off to anyone and everyone, regardless of how much money the supposedly have. (AmEx black/plum/red- seen it all!) i’ll give you a great drink at the fastest speed possible and give you a generally polite salutation. but if i’m in a degrading, work-enforced, football outfit (pleated skirt, football jersey and pigtails. yes, PIGTAILS) and someone is staring at my chest telling me they like my outfit, they will be getting a smart ass comment thrown back into their face. cause that comment is not a compliment, it’s a perverted insult.

BUT, when you work a night shift? it’s a lot easier to make the tips. smile, giggle at everything and once you’ve turned your back, say everything you need to say. since the music is loud, they’ll never know. got a 25 cent tip? smile, give it back to them and walk away. but be sure to make a big gesture when giving them back their quarter, that way every girl at the bar knows he’s cheap. got an asshole waving and whistling at the bar for service? serve every chick at the bar first and when you get to him, smile and say “ladies first” and move on to the next girl. some drunk is asking you out? boyfriend! and point to some other member of your staff and smile (pick a large-statured co-worker…) once in a while you get the fat asshole. and i do mean fat asshole. they are generally caucasian, 250 pounds+ and just a damn fucking asshole. they’ve been lacked love in their life and therefore feel entitled because they have $6 to spend. ($5.75 for the beer and that fantastic quarter left to tip you with.) feel free to fight them. or rather, pretend to fight them. they’ll call you every name in the book and you just laugh in their face. (please, i’ve heard it all.) and then, with a very large security person in front of you holding you back, just LUNGE like you’re a fucking ninja to his fat bastard. they’ll keep talking shit, but fat guys? are always cowards. all talk, no fight (applies only to white guys.) you’ll make their day cause they get to spend the next week talking about how they put you in place (remember, lack of love, no life?) and you get to have them removed from the bar for pissing you off.

i used to get pissed almost every night at work by some random asshole. the reality, i’ve learned to temper my temper. a giggle and a smile will get lots of tips, but never forget to keep the big stick beside you.

god i wish i had the energy of a 20 year old again.

co-worker: not that cute.

me: good. maybe she’ll work harder.

co-worker: *silently stars at me*

me: i just have a big brain. that’s why i work hard.

co-worker: you know what they say about girls with big brains?

me: what?

co-worker: they can’t ride motorcycles.

me: …..